Born of God: Chapter 2

BORN OF GOD

The Story of My Conversion

Chapter 2: Walking in Darkness
Then Jesus said unto them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you: for he that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth.  -John 12:35
http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/12.35?lang=eng#34

I can remember when I first began to walk into the darkness.  At a young age, I did not have a firm testimony or foundation established and when things in my life got a little rocky, I abandoned ship.  I don't know what I had prayed for before, but at age 8 I remember praying for my family sincerely and asking God for the blessings I thought we needed.  They were probably the first truly genuine prayers I had ever said.  When I didn't get the answers I was hoping for, I was hurt and devastated.  I felt that either God wasn't really there or He didn't really love me.  I began to distance myself slowly over time so I wouldn't be hurt again.  Praying seemed pointless.

As a young girl, I watched others in our church have spiritual experiences and I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't feel it.  I felt like it wasn't working, and when other people in my life introduced me to other avenues, I thought maybe I could be happy living life the way they did.  Even though their lives weren't consistent with how I had been raised, I found myself completely willing to give anything a try.  I left the Church and went down every other path I could find.

I tested the waters for many years, telling myself that the path I had started on was not the right one; I had already tried it and it didn't work; the things I had been taught could not be true.  Over the years I forgot everything I had been taught as a kid.  Any faith I may have had as a child dwindled, and my resentments toward God and religion swelled within me.  And then there were some times where others' actions hurt me and it just made me doubt even more that God was really there.



The more I separated myself from God and from my family, the more lonely I became.  The mistakes I made caused me to have bitter feelings of guilt and shame.  I was unwilling to change, and without repentance there was no forgiveness; there was no relief from the bondage I had put myself in.  I was walking in darkness without direction, and life began to feel so hopeless.

When we disobey God's commandments, this is what it leads to.  It may start out as a little twinge of guilt and maybe a small void in our heart, but sin will never lead us to true happiness.  That is what I learned through my own personal experiences.

For some of us it takes a great misery or rock bottom to make us want a change in our lives, but it is never too late to step out of the darkness and into the light.  We all have those things that we have to overcome, and we all have trials that can lead us to God and strengthen our faith in Him.  For me it seemed like it took a thousand little steps over the course of several years.  But I have been able to overcome so much!  Looking back at who I was and how I used to feel, I am amazed by the change that is possible because of Christ.  The void and deep sorrow I felt before is gone.  Today my heart is full.  "I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see." (Amazing Grace)

My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more.  -Mosiah 27:29 http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/27.29?lang=eng#28

Me :)  October 2012

Born of God: Chapter 1

BORN OF GOD

The Story of My Conversion

My story might be a little backwards.  A lot of people in the Christian world choose to get baptized when they feel the Holy Ghost in their life, and they realize that Jesus Christ is their Savior.  For me, it was the first step to a very long journey that eventually led me to a knowledge of who my Savior and Redeemer truly is.  This is the story of my conversion.

My Baptism (Oct. 1997)

Chapter 1: Born of Water
Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. -John 3:5 http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/3.5?lang=eng#4

 I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I was a quiet kid.  Our family was pretty normal (I think...) but I can remember from a young age feeling a little disconnected from the world.  I got baptized at the age of eight, like everyone did in our church.  I had a basic knowledge of the Gospel principles, but I didn't really have a testimony of them.  I was eight.  I still don't remember much about that baptism, other than the song my siblings sang. http://www.lds.org/music/library/childrens-songbook/when-i-am-baptized?lang=eng 

At a pretty young age, I started getting into some trouble: testing boundries, questioning everything...  I began to wonder and doubt if God was even there.  I began to shut down.  My parents taught me that God loved me, but I didn't feel like He was answering my prayers.  Therefore, (in my mind) He either wasn't there or didn't love me.  It didn't really matter which was the case.  I didn't want anything to do with Him if either of those things were true.  I think I was thirteen when I told my parents that I wasn't going to church anymore.  I was done with church and done with God. 

I spent a lot of time resenting the fact that I got baptized so young, when I had very little understanding of what I was doing.  In my rebellious teen years, I called it peer pressure.



Elder Clem, Me, Elder Norton (May 2010)

So how did getting baptized at eight years old have an impact on me? 

Looking back, it seemed like my life went downhill after that event.  Well, about twelve years later, I had reached the point where I wanted to know just what was missing from my life.  I sat down in my apartment with some missionaries who taught me about that baptism that I knew so little about.  Elder Norton asked me if I could remember my baptism.  And for the first time in a long time, I could remember something.  Through the power of the Holy Ghost, I could remember the feelings that I had that day.  I had been happy.  I knew that I was doing something good.  

Elder Norton, Me, Elder Evans (Aug. 2010)

My understanding has grown so much and I am grateful now that I was baptized when I was eight.  Why?  Because I received the gift of the Holy Ghost.  And even though I made many mistakes and even turned away from God, the  moment that I was ready and willing to come back to Him, He was right there.  He had been there all along, really.  I was the one who had turned my back on Him.  I look back now, and I can see how He was guiding me every step of the way.


Mosiah 5:7 And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters. http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/5.7?lang=eng
 

My family at my baptism (Oct. 1997)