BORN OF GOD
The Story of My Conversion
Chapter 2: Walking in Darkness
Then Jesus said unto them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you: for he that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth. -John 12:35
http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/12.35?lang=eng#34
I can remember when I first began to walk into the darkness. At a young age, I did not have a firm testimony or foundation established and when things in my life got a little rocky, I abandoned ship. I don't know what I had prayed for before, but at age 8 I remember praying for my family sincerely and asking God for the blessings I thought we needed. They were probably the first truly genuine prayers I had ever said. When I didn't get the answers I was hoping for, I was hurt and devastated. I felt that either God wasn't really there or He didn't really love me. I began to distance myself slowly over time so I wouldn't be hurt again. Praying seemed pointless.
As a young girl, I watched others in our church have spiritual experiences and I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't feel it. I felt like it wasn't working, and when other people in my life introduced me to other avenues, I thought maybe I could be happy living life the way they did. Even though their lives weren't consistent with how I had been raised, I found myself completely willing to give anything a try. I left the Church and went down every other path I could find.
I tested the waters for many years, telling myself that the path I had started on was not the right one; I had already tried it and it didn't work; the things I had been taught could not be true. Over the years I forgot everything I had been taught as a kid. Any faith I may have had as a child dwindled, and my resentments toward God and religion swelled within me. And then there were some times where others' actions hurt me and it just made me doubt even more that God was really there.
The more I separated myself from God and from my family, the more lonely I became. The mistakes I made caused me to have bitter feelings of guilt and shame. I was unwilling to change, and without repentance there was no forgiveness; there was no relief from the bondage I had put myself in. I was walking in darkness without direction, and life began to feel so hopeless.
When we disobey God's commandments, this is what it leads to. It may start out as a little twinge of guilt and maybe a small void in our heart, but sin will never lead us to true happiness. That is what I learned through my own personal experiences.
For some of us it takes a great misery or rock bottom to make us want a change in our lives, but it is never too late to step out of the darkness and into the light. We all have those things that we have to overcome, and we all have trials that can lead us to God and strengthen our faith in Him. For me it seemed like it took a thousand little steps over the course of several years. But I have been able to overcome so much! Looking back at who I was and how I used to feel, I am amazed by the change that is possible because of Christ. The void and deep sorrow I felt before is gone. Today my heart is full. "I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see." (Amazing Grace)
My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more. -Mosiah 27:29 http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/27.29?lang=eng#28
Then Jesus said unto them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you: for he that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth. -John 12:35
http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/12.35?lang=eng#34
As a young girl, I watched others in our church have spiritual experiences and I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't feel it. I felt like it wasn't working, and when other people in my life introduced me to other avenues, I thought maybe I could be happy living life the way they did. Even though their lives weren't consistent with how I had been raised, I found myself completely willing to give anything a try. I left the Church and went down every other path I could find.
I tested the waters for many years, telling myself that the path I had started on was not the right one; I had already tried it and it didn't work; the things I had been taught could not be true. Over the years I forgot everything I had been taught as a kid. Any faith I may have had as a child dwindled, and my resentments toward God and religion swelled within me. And then there were some times where others' actions hurt me and it just made me doubt even more that God was really there.
The more I separated myself from God and from my family, the more lonely I became. The mistakes I made caused me to have bitter feelings of guilt and shame. I was unwilling to change, and without repentance there was no forgiveness; there was no relief from the bondage I had put myself in. I was walking in darkness without direction, and life began to feel so hopeless.When we disobey God's commandments, this is what it leads to. It may start out as a little twinge of guilt and maybe a small void in our heart, but sin will never lead us to true happiness. That is what I learned through my own personal experiences.For some of us it takes a great misery or rock bottom to make us want a change in our lives, but it is never too late to step out of the darkness and into the light. We all have those things that we have to overcome, and we all have trials that can lead us to God and strengthen our faith in Him. For me it seemed like it took a thousand little steps over the course of several years. But I have been able to overcome so much! Looking back at who I was and how I used to feel, I am amazed by the change that is possible because of Christ. The void and deep sorrow I felt before is gone. Today my heart is full. "I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see." (Amazing Grace)
My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more. -Mosiah 27:29 http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/27.29?lang=eng#28
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| Me :) October 2012 |
Loved it. My Son serves in Kalispell Elder Bond
ReplyDeleteOh yeah I think he is in my last area... Plains and T-Falls?
DeleteAnd thanks for the comment. I'm glad you liked the blog!