Born of God: Chapter 2

BORN OF GOD

The Story of My Conversion

Chapter 2: Walking in Darkness
Then Jesus said unto them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while ye have the light, lest darkness come upon you: for he that walketh in darkness knoweth not whither he goeth.  -John 12:35
http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/12.35?lang=eng#34

I can remember when I first began to walk into the darkness.  At a young age, I did not have a firm testimony or foundation established and when things in my life got a little rocky, I abandoned ship.  I don't know what I had prayed for before, but at age 8 I remember praying for my family sincerely and asking God for the blessings I thought we needed.  They were probably the first truly genuine prayers I had ever said.  When I didn't get the answers I was hoping for, I was hurt and devastated.  I felt that either God wasn't really there or He didn't really love me.  I began to distance myself slowly over time so I wouldn't be hurt again.  Praying seemed pointless.

As a young girl, I watched others in our church have spiritual experiences and I wondered what was wrong with me that I couldn't feel it.  I felt like it wasn't working, and when other people in my life introduced me to other avenues, I thought maybe I could be happy living life the way they did.  Even though their lives weren't consistent with how I had been raised, I found myself completely willing to give anything a try.  I left the Church and went down every other path I could find.

I tested the waters for many years, telling myself that the path I had started on was not the right one; I had already tried it and it didn't work; the things I had been taught could not be true.  Over the years I forgot everything I had been taught as a kid.  Any faith I may have had as a child dwindled, and my resentments toward God and religion swelled within me.  And then there were some times where others' actions hurt me and it just made me doubt even more that God was really there.



The more I separated myself from God and from my family, the more lonely I became.  The mistakes I made caused me to have bitter feelings of guilt and shame.  I was unwilling to change, and without repentance there was no forgiveness; there was no relief from the bondage I had put myself in.  I was walking in darkness without direction, and life began to feel so hopeless.

When we disobey God's commandments, this is what it leads to.  It may start out as a little twinge of guilt and maybe a small void in our heart, but sin will never lead us to true happiness.  That is what I learned through my own personal experiences.

For some of us it takes a great misery or rock bottom to make us want a change in our lives, but it is never too late to step out of the darkness and into the light.  We all have those things that we have to overcome, and we all have trials that can lead us to God and strengthen our faith in Him.  For me it seemed like it took a thousand little steps over the course of several years.  But I have been able to overcome so much!  Looking back at who I was and how I used to feel, I am amazed by the change that is possible because of Christ.  The void and deep sorrow I felt before is gone.  Today my heart is full.  "I once was lost but now am found, was blind but now I see." (Amazing Grace)

My soul hath been redeemed from the gall of bitterness and bonds of iniquity. I was in the darkest abyss; but now I behold the marvelous light of God. My soul was racked with eternal torment; but I am snatched, and my soul is pained no more.  -Mosiah 27:29 http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/27.29?lang=eng#28

Me :)  October 2012

Born of God: Chapter 1

BORN OF GOD

The Story of My Conversion

My story might be a little backwards.  A lot of people in the Christian world choose to get baptized when they feel the Holy Ghost in their life, and they realize that Jesus Christ is their Savior.  For me, it was the first step to a very long journey that eventually led me to a knowledge of who my Savior and Redeemer truly is.  This is the story of my conversion.

My Baptism (Oct. 1997)

Chapter 1: Born of Water
Jesus answered, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. -John 3:5 http://www.lds.org/scriptures/nt/john/3.5?lang=eng#4

 I grew up in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  I was a quiet kid.  Our family was pretty normal (I think...) but I can remember from a young age feeling a little disconnected from the world.  I got baptized at the age of eight, like everyone did in our church.  I had a basic knowledge of the Gospel principles, but I didn't really have a testimony of them.  I was eight.  I still don't remember much about that baptism, other than the song my siblings sang. http://www.lds.org/music/library/childrens-songbook/when-i-am-baptized?lang=eng 

At a pretty young age, I started getting into some trouble: testing boundries, questioning everything...  I began to wonder and doubt if God was even there.  I began to shut down.  My parents taught me that God loved me, but I didn't feel like He was answering my prayers.  Therefore, (in my mind) He either wasn't there or didn't love me.  It didn't really matter which was the case.  I didn't want anything to do with Him if either of those things were true.  I think I was thirteen when I told my parents that I wasn't going to church anymore.  I was done with church and done with God. 

I spent a lot of time resenting the fact that I got baptized so young, when I had very little understanding of what I was doing.  In my rebellious teen years, I called it peer pressure.



Elder Clem, Me, Elder Norton (May 2010)

So how did getting baptized at eight years old have an impact on me? 

Looking back, it seemed like my life went downhill after that event.  Well, about twelve years later, I had reached the point where I wanted to know just what was missing from my life.  I sat down in my apartment with some missionaries who taught me about that baptism that I knew so little about.  Elder Norton asked me if I could remember my baptism.  And for the first time in a long time, I could remember something.  Through the power of the Holy Ghost, I could remember the feelings that I had that day.  I had been happy.  I knew that I was doing something good.  

Elder Norton, Me, Elder Evans (Aug. 2010)

My understanding has grown so much and I am grateful now that I was baptized when I was eight.  Why?  Because I received the gift of the Holy Ghost.  And even though I made many mistakes and even turned away from God, the  moment that I was ready and willing to come back to Him, He was right there.  He had been there all along, really.  I was the one who had turned my back on Him.  I look back now, and I can see how He was guiding me every step of the way.


Mosiah 5:7 And now, because of the covenant which ye have made ye shall be called the children of Christ, his sons, and his daughters; for behold, this day he hath spiritually begotten you; for ye say that your hearts are changed through faith on his name; therefore, ye are born of him and have become his sons and his daughters. http://www.lds.org/scriptures/bofm/mosiah/5.7?lang=eng
 

My family at my baptism (Oct. 1997)

Don't Go Chasing Shadows...

SHADOWS

Yesterday we were visiting with a good friend and while we were talking, her dog, Freckles, came up and sat on my lap.  Freckles turned her body so that she was facing the shadows in the corner and she refused to look at anything else.   She wanted to get the shadows but couldn't.  She was staring so intensely for probably an hour and after a while she even began to shake.  I tried to point her in a different direction but she was persistant in finding the shadows.  While this may seem silly to all of us, how often do we have a similar attitude?

"If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine."

 -Morris West


Do you ever find that even when things are going well in your life, there is at least one thing to disrupt your happiness?  Sometimes I have a talent for focusing in on one or two negative things, when everything else in my life is great!  And then I'm upset that life isn't perfect :/  Well life isn't supposed to be perfect.  It's practice.  God just wants us to get really good at finding the light in our lives.

Yes, sometimes we have trials to face and mountains to climb...  but we have to look in the right direction if we are going to "come off conqueror".  D&C 10:5
http://www.lds.org/scriptures/dc-testament/dc/10.5?lang=eng#4

There is light all around us!  There is peace, joy, laughter, optimism... Do we seek after these things or do we insist on facing the shadows of our lives?

"Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows." -Helen Keller

I know that we will all find more joy in our lives if we look to the light around us, instead of focusing on shadows.  And no matter what we are facing in life, we can have joy as we count our blessings and thank our Father in Heaven for all the light He has given us.


"In sunshine and in shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon us." -Gordon B. Hinckley  http://www.lds.org/search?lang=eng&query=sunshine&collection=general-conference

He Heard Me

PRAYER.


I don't know how or why God chooses to answer certain prayers in the way He does.  And in the moment of trial or distress, it can be hard to recognize God's hand in our lives.  These are some experiences I had that showed me that God really does care aboout me, and that He does answer prayers.


Sometimes we have those trials or circumstances in life where we desperately need His help; where nobody else but God can help us.  I know I have had those times where I was terrified about the possibilities in my future.  My little nephew Zachary, had open heart surgery recently, when he was about 3 months old.  This was one of those times for me.  My sister comforted me, saying that Zach would be OK.  And he was.  I didn't know why God grants us certain blessings (or miracles) at times, but I was so thankful for this one!

 

Then at other times in our lives, we have little things come up; things that probably seem insignificant to everyone except us.  Last week, I lost my CTR ring.  It was a little something.  But it meant something to me.  It wasn't the most important thing in the world by anyone's standard.  But I prayed for 2 days that I would find it, because I knew that God could help me.  I told my doubtful mind over and over again, that He could.  And then one morning, I checked my pocket (a pocket that I had already turned inside out 3 times before.)  And there it was.

 

I don't know about you but I realized recently that sometimes when I pray, it feels like I am sending an email out into the universe, and that God will check His inbox when He can get around to it. And sometimes I treat it as something very casual.  But that is not how it works... Not for God anyway.

 

Last week one night, it was time for bed, so I got down on my knees and said a prayer.  I didn't have some overwhelming experience, but I did feel something different...

I felt like my Heavenly Father was sitting down next to me, listening to every word.


And at that moment I knew that He does not only hear and answer our prayers, but He really LISTENS.  Logically, I've known for several years that God answers my prayers.  But right then, it wasn't about giving me blessings or answers or anything else... I had peace, just knowing that he heard me. 

God really is there. 
He hears our prayers... and answers them! 

Repentance: not a four-letter word.

     Repentance can sometimes seem like an ugly word.  Why does it scare us away? It was never meant to be a punishment.  It was a gift from our Heavenly Father.  Guilt and shame (and separation from God) are natural results that come when we disobey His commandments (a.k.a. sin.)  But repentance is the way out from that pain.  It is the solution.

"REPENTANCE... a change of mind, i.e., a fresh view about God, about oneself, and about the world."  - Bible Dictionary

"Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy."  - Alma 36:21

Sometimes I think it can be hard to know what repentance should look like.  So here are some specific steps we can take to grow and change.  The six R's of repentance:

1. Recognize:  Before anything in our lives can change we must first be aware of what needs to change.  Life doesn't really fix itself.  If we aren't aware of what is wrong, we should start thinking and praying about it.  

2. Remorse:  Chances are that if we don't feel any kind of conviction for our behaviors, we probably won't stop doing whatever it is that we are doing (or we won't start doing what we should be doing...)

3. Reveal:  We must then take some time to talk to God.  We have to humble ourselves and come to Him, confessing our sins.  Ask for forgiveness and help to overcome them.  He already knows what we've done and how we feel about it, but He requires our humility. 

4. Restitution: Make amends in any way we can.  If we have harmed another, we need to make it right for them (not us) if we can.  It isn't about us having peace over the situation, it is about them.  If making amends hurts someone else we are doing it wrong.

5. Refrain:  We should forsake our sins:  Turn them over to the Lord and do them no more.  He has the power to help us walk away from the things Satan is using to pull us in.  If we humble ourselves and have faith in Him, He will turn our weaknesses into strengths.

6. Record:  Sometimes old feelings of guilt and shame will come up even when we have completely repented.  When the Spirit helps us know that we are forgiven, we should write down those feelings of peace, and do our best to remember what the Lord has already shown us!

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." - Ether 12:27

Through Jesus Christ we can accomplish the things that seem impossible.  He loves us more than we could ever know!  Don't lose hope!

One Day at a Time

     I've always been a daydreamer and a planner... I think about what happened yesterday, and I imagine what may come tomorrow.  But what about today?  What about right now?

                                              Learn from Yesterday.                                          
     Mistakes are inevitable.  I don't know about you but I do silly things every single day.  I make mistakes every day,  I snap at someone every day...  I'm far from flawless.  Sometimes the mistakes are ours and sometimes we get hurt because of someone else's choices.  Something I've learned though is that everything (and I mean everything!) can be turned around for the good.  Our experiences (both good and painful) are a part of the blessing that God has given us.  If we can help somebody because of what we have learned from our experiences, then we are growing and we can help someone else to grow (and it has become a good thing!)  We can't ignore our yesterdays.  We have to apply the lessons we've learned, to who we are now.


Make a Choice Today.                                                            
     Trials will always be a part of our lives.  But what will we do today to change things?  If we are dwelling on what happened yesterday, or on the things we want to come tomorrow, we will miss out on today.  Even if we dwell on the pain we feel right now, we will not only miss today, but we will likely feel no different tomorrow.  We have no control over anything in this world except for what we are doing in this exact moment!  What can I do in this moment to have a better life?  What can I do differently today?

Have Hope for Tomorrow. 
     We have no way of knowing what will come in the future.  But that doesn't mean we don't have consequences.  The choices we make today will effect us tomorrow.  When we make good choices today, we can count on good results.  We can have hope and faith that we will be blessed.  When we are surrounded by darkness, we can have hope in the light that is to come.  And our attitudes or our hope, can change the way that we feel and act today.


     Yesterday, today, and tomorrow are all connected.  We cannot avoid any of them.  But if we take all three into our present, we will find growth in our lives.  Our hearts will change.
 “I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach"  - Scrooge

More Lessons from Heart Mountain...

     Last time I talked about some of the things I have learned because of my nemesis, Heart Mountain.  Well, it seems as though there was more to learn.  It's been a while now since we made the hike.  Sister Aitken and I are grateful for our full recovery from that day, although it did take some time.  

     This last week or so, I had been having a hard time (more so with myself than with anyone else.)  I felt discouraged and knew that I was not fulfilling my potential as a missionary.  Sister Aitken and I decided we were going to make some changes.  We wanted to set some goals.  Yesterday, when we were talking, she related our goals to Heart Mountain.  If certain people weren't pushing us up that mountain, we would have given up.  We wouldn't have made it even close to all the way...

   And I can be a lot like a chameleon sometimes.  My personality is in there somewhere but many times I can become a different person, depending on who I am around.  This is not something I am super proud of but I am aware that it is one of my traits.  And I know we can't go through this life alone.  I'm not saying I have to do it all alone.  But how can I live my life, always relying on someone else to make me better?  So, I got to thinking... Who am I when no one else is around?  Who am I when no one else is influencing me?  Who do I want to be?

     I know that I need to learn how to push myself.  First, I needed to figure out who I want to be and  what I'll have to do differently to be that person.  Here are the three things that I decided I need to work on at this point in my life:  

1. I want to stop being selfish and be able to forget myself  more.  

2. (which goes along with 1) I want to have charity;  pure, unconditional,  Christlike love for everyone.

3.  I want to be diligent.  Even when I'm tired or discouraged, I want to be strong and put one foot in front of the other.

So I set some goals and posted them up on my wall in my room.  

     Last night and today, I have already had opportunities to make a choice.  Unexpected things came up and we had to choose who we wanted to be, because no one else would force us.  Today, I'm proud of myself for making some good choices.  But I think there will be opportunities every single day, where I will have to make that choice.  Changes take time, but they are not impossible!  This will be a process but I know I can improve and make positive changes.  I know that because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ I can be forgiven and become more like Him.

Heart Mountain

     I named my blog 'mountains2climb' because I feel like that has been a recurring theme in my life.  There have been many mountains to climb but I have been able to conquer a lot and I am grateful for that.  I also knew there would be more to come.  On Monday, July 9, my zone (a group of missionaries in this area) decided to climb a literal mountain.  Heart Mountain.  It is the 26th tallest peak in Wyoming, apparently and about 7 1/2 miles to go up and back (or so I've been told...)  They also told us that this would take 2 1/2 hours or so to get up the mountain and maybe a couple more to get down.  (That part was definitely not true.)

     I've never liked hiking much, for a couple of reasons...  First, I'm not terribly active and not too fond of pushing myself to the point of exhaustion.  Second, I have asthma, which I feel like is a pretty legitimate excuse.  Any kind of cardiovascular activity results in me not being able to breathe.  So I wasn't too thrilled about this plan. 

     We started up the trail and after a few minutes, I couldn't breathe.  I used my inhaler and took a short rest.  I told everyone in our group that I was going to really slow them all down and that I most likely wouldn't make it all the way before I'd turn around and come back.  My companion, Sister Aitken was perfectly fine with hiking for an hour or so and then coming back down.  So we got up and went on a little further.  Again, I couldn't breathe and had to take a short break.  I knew this was going to be a long trip and I didn't have a great attitude either.  We kept on going up and up and fairly often we'd have to stop and let me catch my breath.  Half of the group started to go on ahead and a few of the elders stayed with us.  After a couple hours of this, I actually started to feel better for a little bit but then Sister Aitken began to struggle with her legs cramping up.  We both had a difficult time working our way up.  As we got closer, we were so tired.  We weren't sure we could make it.  We came across another hiker coming down who told us the top was only ten more minutes away.  About fifteen minutes later, another hiker passed us and told us if we walked briskly, it would take twenty minutes. 

     We were so discouraged!  My legs were exhausted and my lungs hurt just to breathe.  With the help of our group and encouragement from each other, we were finally able to make it to the top.  We plopped down and rested.  I scarfed down half a sandwich and then took a few pictures.  The view was actually quite impressive.  All around us, we saw mountains and beautiful skies.  It took us about four hours to get to the top.  And we only had so much time left in our trip so we had to head back down pretty quickly after that.  Now it was very hot and we were exhausted.  Our feet hurt and we ran out of water.  My lungs were sore and every breath hurt.  It took us about two hours to get back to the bottom and I wanted to die!  I couldn't believe that I made it.  There have been times where I have really pushed myself but I had never pushed myself so hard before, physically.

     When we got to the bottom, the rest of our group was waiting with water for us.  Everyone was talking about how great this experience was.  I didn't feel that way.  The view was fine but I didn't think it was worth all that we had to go through.  My attitude throughout the hike was pretty terrible.  I complained and whined (sometimes joking around, sometimes not), and received much more encouragement than I gave to others.  It was fun to spend time with other missionaries but I never wanted to endure that kind of pain again. 

     So what did I learn from this experience?  One, that I am not a hiker.  Two, that I am actually a lot stronger than I thought I was.  I am pretty proud of myself for making it to the top and having endured what I did.  I also learned that having a good attitude is something that would have made the trip more enjoyable for me... and for the people who stayed back with me.  I know I couldn't have done it alone and I wish I would have shown my gratitude to them by being more positive and encouraging through their trials on the hike.

     I think this is a lot like life.  We are strong enough to endure the things that come up in our lives.  God gives us the ability to accomplish all sorts of things that seem impossible sometimes.  As we go through each experience, we learn what we are capable of and what we can do better next time... not that I'll be hiking again any time soon :)  But the next time I am faced with a mountain to climb, I hope I can have the kind of attitude that will lift those around me (rather than wait for others to lift me up.)  And I hope that I can show love to those around me and help them to enjoy life the way that they have helped me!  It's amazing to me how God wants to help us all the time, to be better and to be happy.  He wants to help us overcome our mountains.  And many times in my life, it has been the people around me who help push me up.

God Loves Us!

     Sometimes it is easy to forget how much our Heavenly Father loves us.  I know I do forget and often even ask why he gives me certain responsibilities or trials.  I feel sometimes that when I am facing hard times, that He is further away... and that I am alone.  But really, He gives us these experiences because He loves us.  And if we think about, He gives us a challenge or correction and then what?  He wants to see how we handle it.  So He watches us, probably more intently than usual, to see how we will respond and what He can do to help us through it. 

     "I would like to speak of one particular attitude and practice we need to adopt if we are to meet our Heavenly Father’s high expectations. It is this: willingly to accept and even seek correction.  Paul said of divine correction or chastening, “For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth” (Hebrews 12:6). Though it is often difficult to endure, truly we ought to rejoice that God considers us worth the time and trouble to correct."   

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/as-many-as-i-love-i-rebuke-and-chasten?lang=eng

     "God uses another form of chastening or correction to guide us to a future we do not or cannot now envision but which He knows is the better way for us. President Hugh B. Brown, formerly a member of the Twelve and a counselor in the First Presidency, provided a personal experience. He told of purchasing a rundown farm in Canada many years ago. As he went about cleaning up and repairing his property, he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:  “How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

     President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

(- Elder D. Todd Christofferson, As Many as I Love, I Rebuke and Chasten, April 2011)

     Just like the little currant bush, we can even be offended by what life events our Father in Heaven puts in front of us.  But as the gardener in the story, God already knows who he wants us to be.  We have to trust in Him and let Him lead us through.  And as we follow His will for us, we will actually have the potential to be who He would have us be.

     I know that our Heavenly Father loves us!  Jesus Christ is evidence of that love and through Christ we can become who He knows we can be.  Our views of our life and of ourselves are so limited and biased.  Trust in the path that the Lord has given us.  It is the only way! (2 Nephi 31:21)